When I began my current job a little over ten years ago, it seemed as though it would be my job for life--and I liked that idea. When it became clear some five months ago now that it was not going to be my job for life, the world seemed to spin almost out of control for awhile. I have been told that I should not have been surprised by this turn of events, given my shortcomings in the job. Still, it was something of a surprise, and it brought on a confusion of direction and purpose that has lasted quite some time.
In the last two weeks I have had good friends suggest some things to me that have stewed and simmered in my heart, mind, and prayers. Out of this seems to be emerging a new purpose. It is not necessarily a sense of what I should be doing next, but more a sense of what I should not look to again. There are those that have suggested that I should apply for the opening that my departure will create, and for a few days I considered that. But what has emerged more clearly in the last two days is an understanding in my heart that I do not want to work for the people that determined that I should not be their leader anymore. Regardless of what I have done to improve myself, my knowledge, and my skills, there is no place in the organization for me anymore. Whether I work to the end of my extended contract or find other employment before then, my last day there will be my final day with the organization.
That understanding, that emerging purpose, is both liberating and grieving. It is liberating because of the burdens I have carried for ten years for the organization. However, it is a place where I have poured my heart and soul and 14 of my 40 years, so I grieve at the loss of my place in the organization. There is much work still to be done to make it a school of excellence in deed and not just in thought. May God provide the men and women needed to make it happen.
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